


And If You Cannot Redeem, Atone

by they_neither_bend_nor_change



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence, Dowager King is a title that exists now, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Friends to Enemies to Lovers, Glimadora - Freeform, Glimmadora - Freeform, Glitradora, Interstellar travel, M/M, Minor Character Deaths, Polyamory, Polyfidelity, a less glamorous redemption, a wedding, after that it's the wild west kids, also possibly the wedding you expected, but not the one you expected, canon divergence- post season four, catradora, dubious court system for plot purposes, everyone needs therapy but there's no therapy in etheria so they have to just Talk It Out, glitra, not as depressing as the summary makes it sound, results vary, season four canon compliant, sorry :(, the difference between redemption and antonement, who knows - Freeform, will we see adam, will we see eternia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:00:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23345134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/they_neither_bend_nor_change/pseuds/they_neither_bend_nor_change
Summary: Redemption: the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil.Atonement: the action of making amends for a wrong or injury.They've been past saving for a long time, and they can forgive but they cannot forget. When you've gone too far for redemption, what's left?A Glitradora Fanfic
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora & Glimmer (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra/Glimmer (She-Ra), Adora/Glimmer (She-Ra), Catra & Glimmer (She-Ra), Catra/Glimmer (She-Ra), Entrapta/Hordak (She-Ra), He-Man | Adam/Bow (She-Ra), Light Hope/Mara (She-Ra), Mermista/Sea Hawk (She-Ra), Netossa/Spinnerella (She-Ra), Perfuma/Scorpia (She-Ra), adora & catra & glimmer
Comments: 21
Kudos: 87





	1. Chapter I: Catra

**Author's Note:**

> When the memories of the past and the pressures of the present overwhelm them both, the Queen of Brightmoon and her prisoner sit down at the heavy wooden table, light a lamp, and pour some glasses. There was no alcohol in the Horde, and from Glimmer's reaction to the wine the first few nights Catra figures she'd never drunk more than a toasting glass at a banquet
> 
> See end for notes

Adora is warm and solid. She has one of her hands in Catra's hair and the other hooked around her waist. She's so close that her breath is tickling Catra's cheek the way it used to every night when they were six. She smells sweetly of sweat and she's hoarsely whispering everything that Catra has ever wanted her to say.

'Stay with me, please. Don't leave. Don't go. Not now.  _ Catra'  _

Of course it's so typical of Catra's life that she's not even able to enjoy the sensation. She's going to die. She's going to die right now in Adora's arms, surrounded by bits of burning ship and stars.

Adora's crying, her face crumpling up. There's smoke everywhere and Catra can hear Scorpia and Glimmer and Hordak shouting through the thick black of it. She can't tell if Horde Prime is still on his feet or not, everything had happened so quickly. The barrel of a blaster pointed at Scorpia, the burning sensation as it hit Catra instead, purple light and a screech of metal, and then Adora. 

Catra begins to drift out of consciousness. Her eyes are so heavy and her insides feel like she swallowed battery acid. Her vision blacks out to the sound of Adora's panicked begging, and when she comes back Glimmer and Scorpia are crowded round her too. Guilt twists her stomach as she looks up at the three of them. She has apologies to make but limited energy and time. After several weeks together as Horde Prime's "guests" , she and Glimmer have said enough to each other and done enough for each other that she thinks there's an understanding between them. It's not an apology but it's better than nothing. There's too much to say to Adora to even bother starting. But Scorpia - she focuses all her effort on looking at Scorpia.

'I'm sorry', she croaks.

Scorpia's eyes well up with tears. Glimmer's fill up with fire. 

'She's not dying'

Sparkle's stubbornness is astounding. No matter what she always insists that things can be fixed, and that she personally can do the fixing. She's like Adora. Catra used to hate that about Glimmer. Couldn't stand it. The arrogant delusion of it all. Now it's reassuring. 

Still delusional though.

'Glimmer I can't heal her', Adora chokes out, 'I don't have the sword' 

That fucking sword. Catra can feel herself finally slipping away properly. It hurts but it's not so bad, someone is holding her and there are people who look like they'll actually be sorry to see her go. It's infinitely better than three months ago when she thought she would die by Glimmer's staff, alone and slumped against a slab of concrete. Really this is more than she deserves. She closes her eyes and let's go. This might just be the closest thing to peace she'll ever be allowed to have. 

Adora's voice is very far away.

  
  


Suddenly, light blazes in the darkness, exploding across her eyelids. She cracks them open and sees three glowing princesses, all holding hands. Warmth floods into her bones and the whole world shifts.

When it refocuses she's lying on a marble floor staring up at a vaulted ceiling. There are still three figures crowded around her. Glimmer, Scorpia, and Adora all shimmer with residual power. Any wounds they had seem to have disappeared, and Adora is once more dressed in white with a gold, winged tiara on her head.

'Catra?', Scorpia whispers.

Catra groans, rolls over, and vomits into She-Ra's lap.

  
  
  
  


*****

  
  
  


On paper there are a lot of positives to being alive, like being able to wake up every morning and feel the sun on your face, knowing that you have a whole life ahead of you.

Unfortunately there are also a lot of negatives to being alive. Like having to wake up everyday with the sun on your face, knowing that you have a whole life ahead of you. 

Catra sleeps in the Brightmoon stables and helps rebuild the city, shifting bricks and timber from dawn till dusk. It's the only act of redemption available to her. After throwing up all over Adora she'd passed out again, and as soon as the others had ascertained that there was nothing wrong with her apart from possible teleportation nausea they'd stashed her on a couch in a spare room and ran off to join the last push of the battle, reinvigorated by the reappearance of She-Ra. When Catra came back round to consciousness the whole castle was quiet and filled with early morning light. She'd cautiously looked out a window to discover a landscape and sky totally devoid of any sign of the Horde. In the distance, citizens of Brightmoon crawled over the ruins of their city, hugging each other and erecting banners. They'd won.

Dull relief swept over her as she clutched the window-frame and watched the tiny people waving and celebrating. She didn't know who was dead or alive and didn't want to. Not yet. Eventually she slid back down onto the couch and waited quietly for someone to come and find her.

It ended up being Glimmer. The Queen of Brightmoon, Catra's former cellmate, told her that there was a celebration happening in town. Would she come?

For reasons she couldn't explain, Catra said yes. 

The festivities were surprisingly elaborate for a kingdom that had spent most of the previous week being turned to rubble by Horde Prime’s air assaults. Banners and cakes and dancing and speeches. Hundreds of people were there, some even from neighbouring kingdoms, all gravitating towards the heroes of the Great Rebellion. There must have been mead and wine flowing somewhere, because as the night drew on people kept shaking Catra's hand or hugging her as though they didn't know who she was. 

Scorpia found her eventually. Catra had been alone most of the night, apart from a brief moment early on when she'd come face to face with Adora. They'd held each other's gaze, and for a moment Catra thought Adora might say something, and was torn between fear and mad hope. Then Adora just nodded to her softly, turned away, and melted into the crowd. 

Scorpia stayed. She told Catra about how the battle ended. All the princesses of Etheria and She-Ra came together and activated their runestones. Without the sword She-Ra could control the Heart of Etheria's power instead of the other way around, and use it to blow Horde Prime's fleet out of the sky and wipe the ground troops off the planet. They still weren't sure why Adora had spontaneously regained the ability to transform, but it seemed to be a permanent fix. The Princess of Power was back.

  
  


So Catra had slept through it all. No battlefield glory, no chance to pay back Horde Prime for weeks of psychological torture, no way to make amends except labouring for hours a day trying to build instead of destroy. She sleeps in the stables and eats in the kitchen and mostly keeps to herself.

After a couple of weeks of this Glimmer shows up to tell her off.

'Catra this going way overboard the sentence we agreed on at your trial, you're not supposed to be working yourself to death'

'I like being busy'

Glimmer scowls.

'Catra seriously this is supposed to be a rehabilitation programme, you aren't a slave. How much sleep are you getting? You look like shit'

Glimmer's brand of concern for Catra is fairly unique. The basis of their current relationship was born from the extreme circumstance of having to do a complete one-eighty on each other and put aside their (considerable) grievances within the space of twenty-four hours in order to survive. Living in the confined quarters they'd been given on Emperor Horde's ship had been a nightmare. They'd been completely at the mercy of a narcissistic sadist who, despite a veneer of politeness, proved himself liable to turn violent at the slightest provocation. Only by constant quick-wittedness had they been able to convince Horde Prime that they were valuable enough to be kept alive. Completely isolated and dependent on the co-operation of the other, Catra and Glimmer had formed an instinctive alliance. They'd put their lives on the line for each other more than once during the three months they spent as "guests" of the Imperial court. All alone in a situation like that, unsure from day to day if they were going to live or be executed on a whim, a lot had come out of the woodwork. Long nights of confessions, tears, and yelling as they poured everything out between them, until eventually there was something more. Not a friendship exactly, but a bond. When they'd been rescued and made it back to Etheria Catra assumed it would dissipate as soon as Glimmer was restored to her circle of friends and family. But it seemed that what she and Glimmer had been through together was something that was going to leave its mark. They had seen parts of each other that no one else had during their shared imprisonment, and the instinct to look out for one another persisted. There was something there that Catra couldn't quite label that kept them linked together. Not even a little sentimental, but real. So she's irritated by Glimmer's scolding, but she gets it.

'Look Sparkles, I get three square meals a day and a place to sleep every night. I'm fine'

'You sleep in the  _ stables _ '

Glimmer truly is hilarious sometimes. After all the horror and pain she’s seen she can still get scandalised about someone sleeping in hay.

'You've got a serious mouse problem down here your majesty, I'm just helping out'

'Catra I'm supposed to be responsible for your well-being while you serve your sentence, why don't you "help out" by staying in the castle'

Catra snorts.

'Isn't the entire alliance still crashing there? I'm sure they'd be just thrilled to share with me'

'I'm pretty sure Scorpia would prefer it'

Catra snarls at this new underhand approach but Glimmer ignores her and continues.

'She worries about you, you know. Wouldn't you do it for her?'

An image of Scorpia from the day after the trials swims in front of Catra's eyes, and she remembers her voice.

'It's gonna be ok now wildcat'

'Please', says Glimmer, looking away from Catra.

Catra clenches and unclenches her fists, and flicks her tail once

'Alright'

  
  


*******

She's given a room in the West wing of the castle, far away from everyone else. She doesn't know if Glimmer chose it in deference to Catra's obvious non-enthusiasm for company, or if it was at the request of one of the other princesses. She could definitely imagine Mermista or Frosta refusing to share living space with the Force Captain responsible for attacks on their kingdoms. Or maybe it would have been too close for comfort for Adora. Catra suppresses that thought as soon as it forms.

It's at least as big as her old Force Captain quarters in the Horde, with a fountain and decorations and a big lonely bed placed square in the middle. Catra's first interior design move is to push it against one of the walls, somewhere where she can see the window and the door at the same time. You never know. Of course there are guards posted outside at night, she is under arrest after all, but they're mostly for show. The spelled ankle bracelet she can't remove stops her from being anywhere she shouldn't. It was Scorpia, of all people, who'd come into her cell (a spare bedroom with some of the cushions taken out) a couple days after the Battle for Etheria and explained how the ankle bracelet situation would work. She'd gone to great lengths to emphasise that it wouldn't hurt, just stop Catra from moving in certain directions. Catra tests it when she moves into Brightmoon. It turns out Glimmer has let her go everywhere within the grounds except into the war room and the other alliance member's chambers. She has to wear it for a year, and then there'll be a review to see if she can be trusted without it.

Catra's schedule doesn't change much when she starts sleeping in the castle. She wanders down into the kitchen before everyone else wakes up, and eats. Then a member of the sorcerer's guild shows up and adjusts her bracelet so she can go into the city. She usually arrives just after sunrise. The City of Brightmoon is a mess, full of blockaded boulevards and dangerously teetering towers. Catra works alongside volunteers and city builders to repair family homes and civic buildings, all under the watchful gaze of castle guards. She sometimes sees Horde personnel she recognises among the rubble, with their telltale glowing anklets. More often the Princess Alliance passes through, directing operations and using their powers to speed things up. The city-people love to watch She-Ra single-handedly move ridiculous amounts of rubble with her bare hands. Knowing Glimmer it's a deliberate morale booster having She-Ra out there among the people. Knowing Adora, she's totally unaware of this and just wants to help people.

Catra is officially off the clock after six hours and is supposed to spend the evening relaxing, resting, reading self-improvement books, or whatever else it is reformed war-criminals are meant to do with their free time. Instead she stays on, only leaving when the sun disappears and she's dragged away by a guard. In the evenings she's more likely to cross paths with the other inhabitants of Brightmoon. Princess Perfuma gives her a tight nervous smile whenever they see each other in the garden and Bow nods to her if they pass in the corridors. Once or twice a week her and Scorpia do something together, a board game maybe, or cards. Catra is stunned Scorpia wants to be near her at all, but she throws herself into being as nice as possible. On Horde Prime's ship she'd missed Scorpia like a hole in her gut, it had been almost as bad as losing Adora again. Catra would do anything to make things up to her, so she plays the tedious board games and asks questions about Scorpia's week and listens to her. Scorpia is reserved with her, despite being the one to seek her out, but one night Catra says something that makes her smile. It's like the sun comes out and shines on Catra. She's not naïve enough to think it'll ever go back to the way it was, not after everything she's done. But if she could do something now and again to make Scorpia smile she'll be happy.

She sees Glimmer even less frequently, a couple of times a month. Some nights they go together to the wine cellars to drink. When the memories of the past and the pressures of the present overwhelm them both, the Queen of Brightmoon and her prisoner sit down at the heavy wooden table, light a lamp, and pour some glasses. There was no alcohol in the Horde, and from Glimmer's reaction to the wine the first few nights Catra figures she'd never drunk more than a toasting glass at a banquet, but eventually they both develop a taste for Plumerian red. In the beginning, they don't talk much, sometimes they don't say a word to each other all night long, just sit there drinking. On the ship they had gotten most of the big stuff out of the way quickly, anything that would have damaged their teamwork. It was a survival choice. Staying alive meant being on the same page. The first night there they were put in a massive, resplendent apartment together. It had grand bedrooms for the Queen and her "advisor", a stocked pantry, a luxurious drawing room, an indoor garden, and doors that electrocuted you if you tried to open them. For all of Horde Prime's posturing, they were still prisoners. Prisoners who would get to eat dinner with the Emperor every night while he prodded and poked at them hungrily for information.

The two girls had circled each other warily the first time they were left alone. Catra was thinking of ways to smooth things over, work things to her advantage. She didn't have much energy or desire left in her for manipulation, but a tiny voice in her head told her that she didn't really want to die, not just yet. To her surprise, it was Glimmer who actually spoke first.

'I hate you. My mother is dead because of you. Etheria has been destroyed and it's all your fault. You're a terrible person and I was this close to killing you myself earlier'

'But you didn't', the tiny voice in Catra's head said.

Aloud she spat out, 'The feeling's mutual'

'Tell me why'

Catra stared at her.

'I'm serious. We're only escaping this ship together. We need each other, we need to be allies, and that's not gonna happen if I feel like strangling you every ten seconds. So get it all out of your system because I know you feel the same'

Catra straightens up. She doesn’t even need to think about what she’s going to say. It’s been burning through her brain every night for over a year.

'I hate you because you took everything that I loved away from me. I hate you because you were born into the highest power in your land and it was just going to be handed over to you when you never did anything to earn it. I hate you because you think you're so noble, but we both know that if Adora hadn't been able to use the sword you wouldn't have given a Horde soldier a second chance' 

Glimmer's jaw clenches at the mention of Adora's name, but she nods.

'Fine. We're done here. Now let's work together'

It had been a typical optimistic princess move, to think they could have one tell-all moment and then they'd be fine. There had been many nights after when they'd screamed their throats raw at each other. But in front of Horde Prime, they were a united front, and they never laid a finger on each other. After a fortnight they ran out of things to shout about and started sitting on the velvet white couches and looking out the massive viewing window together. Counting stars.

  
  


They do the same now, when it's clear out. Sprawl out on the grass in the gardens, a little drunk, and look up at the million billion lights crowding the sky. Etheria isn't alone anymore. Catra wonder's what anybody who happened to look out the window at night would think if they saw the two of them lying together for hours at a time. Once or twice she thinks she sees Adora's blonde head.

  
  


Glimmer has some nerve to lecture Catra about taking care of herself. There are nights when she looks like she's going to pass out. They both have nightmares, everyone in the damn castle does, they're not special. The place is full of wandering footsteps after dark. But Catra and Glimmer's nightmares can be identical. Shadow Weaver shows up regularly, or Horde Prime, or Hordak himself. The Emperor used to enjoy unnerving them by having Hordak appear in their rooms unannounced with his awful new green eyes and mechanical voice, asking if the Queen and her advisor would like tea, or extra blankets, or anything,  _ anything  _ at all to make their stay more comfortable. It made their skin crawl.

  
  


Once Glimmer says off-handedly that she has terrible dreams about losing Adora, and Catra grips her wineglass so tightly that it smashes in her hand. Glimmer silently magicked the mess away.

  
  


One time, when Catra has a little more to drink than usual, she admits that sometimes she wakes up screaming Glimmer's name after a nightmare about the ship, and panics when she doesn't know where the other girl is. That makes Glimmer cry.

  
  


They still have a lot to say to each other, but the fury has disappeared. Instead, they sound weary, and like they're trying to purge a sickness out of their systems. Catra wants to know how Glimmer could let Shadow Weaver, Hordak's second in command for decades, her father's abuser, free reign of Brightmoon, but hate Catra so personally.

'I guess for a long time you were the only Horde commander I actually came face to face with. And you felt like a real person because of all the stories Adora told about your childhood. It was easier to hate you than to hate some shadowy figure I never really saw'

Glimmer wants to know why Catra wouldn't just go with Adora when asked. How could she expect sympathy when she refused to leave? 

'All my life people treated me like shit. Shadow Weaver would get violent with me over the smallest thing, and growing up she controlled our whole world. But I thought that if Adora and I stuck together we would make it to the top where no one could hurt us. That dream was all that kept me going in the Horde. It became an obsession. I couldn't let it go. When Adora defected it was like she was telling me that everything we'd gone through- everything  _ I’d _ gone through- to make that dream happen didn't matter. She could throw everything that happened to me away for some strangers and a shiny new cause. So I hated her'

  
  


They keep going until it's gone. All the resentment, anger, and dislike. They get too fucking tired for it. Tired of hating. Glimmer starts talking about being Queen, rebuilding the kingdom, and spending time with her father. Catra keeps her up to date with her and Scorpia's game tournament. Scorpia wipes her off the table in the board games, Catra has an excellent poker face. Glimmer asks her about how the people are feeling. She doesn't get to talk to them in the streets as much as she wants. One night, for no apparent reason, they decide to hold races with each other: who can scale a wall the quickest, who can get from the North wing to the South first, who can make it to the cellar from the top of the highest tower. Another night Catra convinces Glimmer to raid the kitchen with her. She's never had ice-cream before. Very, very occasionally Glimmer joins her and Scorpia for game night. 

Mostly though they are alone together after hours, sometimes twice in a week, sometimes not for a month at a time. Depending on the day they've had they are crazy and childish with one another, or serious and quiet. Their moods adjust together quickly, a holdover from the ship, where they communicated mostly through body-language. 

  
  


The months pass and the world passes by Catra. She's aware that there are bigger goings on in Etheria from Scorpia, Glimmer, and the people on the street, but she doesn't pay much attention. Her life now consists of the cycle of work and sleep, punctuated by evenings with Scorpia and nights with Glimmer. She tries to think about the past as little as possible, although she can still never totally banish thoughts of Adora. She works and she waits as the year progresses, aware at the back of her mind that the review of her sentence is drawing close.

  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter II: Glimmer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ‘Adora?’
> 
> A pair of blue-grey eyes meet her gaze.
> 
> ‘It wasn’t your fault, Adora’

Glimmer fights down a sneeze as she is once more enveloped in a very flowery hug by Perfuma. The princess of Plumeria had been trying to leave Brightmoon since that morning, but at the last second she always seemed to have to race back to the castle for ‘one last check on the gardens’ or ‘one last sweep of her room’ or ‘one more goodbye’.

‘Last one, I promise’, Perfuma says breathlessly as she releases Glimmer and moves onto Bow.

She is the last of the old Princess Alliance to leave: Mermista and Seahawk had shipped out a fortnight ago (‘Keep in touch, or whatever’) to oversee the restoration of  Salineas , and Frosta had been summoned back to the Kingdom of Snows by her Royal Council soon after, Spinerella and Netossa had also left for their home (‘Where are they even from anyway ?’, Bow had muttered). After some discussion, it had been decided that Scorpia and Entrapta would go with Perfuma, in part because Plumeria was the closest to what was left of the Frightzone and they were hoping Entrapta could salvage some of the tech. It was also to give Scorpia an opportunity to strengthen her relationship with the Black Garnet. As for the other reason…

Glimmer glances back over her shoulder to where the members of her guard stand impassively in formation. Three high-ranking ex-Horde personnel wandering around the castle had been too much for them and since Catra couldn’t go anywhere until her sentence review, Entrapta and Scorpia had had to be  _ tactfully  _ removed.

Finally, the last three princesses were off, waving madly from the coach that had been sent to get them. Adora, Glimmer, and Bow wave back until they’re out of sight. Catra stands off well to the side with her shoulders hunched and her eyes narrowed against the sun, continuing to track the carriage long after the other three’s human eyes had failed. Adora does a bad job of pretending she’s not watching her out of the corner of her eyes. 

*******

  
  
  


Glimmer finds herself missing the other princesses intensely now that she's settling back into the role of Queen. She'd barely had time to get used to it the first time around before being abducted by Horde Prime and now if anything she finds it  _ harder _ to be a ruler during peacetime. Suddenly she doesn't know what her job is. She always spoke about the day Etheria would be free, and now that it's happened she realises how shaky she is on the more mundane matters of state. Brightmoon doesn't need a warrior queen anymore, it needs a monarch who can be diplomatic and understands how tariffs and taxes work. It doesn’t help that there are now also dozens of kingdoms  _ outside  _ Etheria that need to be dealt with.

  
  


‘Sweetheart’, her father says ‘you know you’re doing great, right ? Your mom would be proud’

The two of them are seated in the old council room with a map of Brightmoon’s agricultural zones spread out between them. The man on the opposite end of the table from Glimmer is more haggard than either his old mural, or the false memories spawned by the portal, but he is unmistakably King Micah of Brightmoon. Right now he’s smiling, softly affectionate, at his daughter.

Glimmer flushes, ‘Sorry Dad, what was that ?’

Micah’s grin widens. 

‘You had that line in between your eyebrows that your mother got when she worried about something’

  
  


When they were first reunited Glimmer was too nervous to bring Angella up much, certain they would both crack under the memory of her. To her surprise, far from worsening her father's grief, reminiscing about his wife seemed to relieve him of it, and what started out as a trickle of information turned into a stream of stories and anecdotes as Micah described the early years of their courtship and marriage.

Whenever her father speaks it's as though Angella comes back to life for a few moments. He describes her mother’s loyalty and caring, her dedication to her people, but he also talks about her sense of humour and her playfulness, traits that Glimmer realises with a pang her mother could no longer indulge in when she became a single parent with the weight of an entire kingdom on her shoulders and no one to share the burden with.

‘Tell me what’s up kiddo’, Micah prompts.

Being referred to as ‘kiddo’ by anyone else would have prompted an extremely dirty look, but Glimmer can make exceptions for her dad.

‘I was thinking about the transmission from Eternia’, she admits, ‘If they’re sending an ambassador shouldn’t I call the rest of the alliance back ?’

‘Well technically it’s an ambassador to Brightmoon, not the whole planet’

‘I know, I know, but it seems...dishonest. To the Eternians I mean. They might think I’m in charge’

‘Aren’t you?’

Glimmer flushes again. The second time in about five minutes. Who knew politics could get you so hot and bothered?

‘I might have been the leader of the Great Rebellion, but that’s gone now, and the Princess Alliance is supposed to be a team. I- I told you I pushed my authority too far before I was abducted, I don’t want to make the same mistake again’

Micah steeples his fingers and looks thoughtful.

‘Well, the ambassador won’t arrive for another few weeks. If you’re concerned about it why don’t you talk it over with Bow and Adora?’ he leans over and squeezes her hand ‘In the meantime, you look like you’re overdue a hot chocolate break young lady’

Glimmer can’t help but smile.

‘Sounds perfect, Dad’

  
  


****

  
  


Glimmer finds it easy to love her father, but in the end, crawling into bed at night between Bow and Adora is still what really feels like home. Since the battle, they've spent all their nights together, and now Bow and Adora make a bee-line for Glimmer's room when they come home without thinking about it. There is an unspoken understanding that they need to be together.

For the most part the new sleeping arrangement is a blessing to Glimmer. Nothing lulls her to sleep faster than the sound of her friends' regular breathing and nothing calms her down like waking up with Bow's hand intertwined with her's or a tangle of Adora's golden hair in her face.

Other times she wakes up hearing metallic screaming and her vision seems tinged with green electricity no matter how much she tries to blink it away. Those are the nights she slips away from the others to find Catra.

'I had a dream about the torture-chamber', she'll say.

Or

'I dreamt about the slaves'

Or

'It was the airlock again'

  
  


Or sometimes just:

  
  


'I need a fucking drink'

  
  


And Catra will understand, and they'll trail out of the west-wing where Catra's bedroom is and go down to the cellars. Catra's room is so far away from everyone partly because Glimmer thought she'd prefer it that way, and partly because she didn't know how the princesses would handle it. By princesses, she specifically means Adora, who sleeps like a log and never seems to notice when Glimmer leaves. 

Bow notices every time but never says anything. Friendship has changed since the war and he's learned sometimes discretion is a virtue. It's not a  _ secret _ Glimmer tells herself. It's just private. 

It was definitely a sensible decision to bed Catra down in a separate wing, but when Glimmer wakes up in the morning and remembers she's not nearby she still feels uneasy for a second or two. It's completely irrational when her bed-fellows are She-Ra and the Master Archer, but she feels strangely vulnerable now that Catra isn't close at night. Like there's no-one watching her back. Onboard the Imperial ship the two girls had been presented with adjoining bedrooms so that Catra could be available at a moment's notice to attend to "her" queen. The door in-between the rooms had been very firmly kept shut the first few nights, and Glimmer had actually watched it fearfully, convinced that despite their truce Catra would flip out and attack her at any moment. She didn't exactly give the impression of stability. Then one-night Glimmer had awoken to the sound of scratching in the vents and uneasily she'd crept to the door and knocked.

'Catra?'

The scratching increased, sounding like it was right in the ceiling. Her anxiety racketed up and she began rapping harder.

'Catra!'

She didn't care if she pissed Catra off. They'd been on board for six or seven days now, Glimmer had no runestone magic left and she wasn't confident enough in her sorcery to try and take something on by herself. She rattled the doorknob but it wouldn't budge. Had Catra locked it?

The scratching was overwhelming now. There was a whole swarm of creatures hiding in the roof, behind the walls, under her bed. She could hear them.

Something scuttled across the corner of her field of vision and she banged the door with her fists.

'Glimmer?'

'Unlock the door', Glimmer shouted.

There was scuffling on the other side and then Catra's muffled voice.

'I can't'

There was a spell for opening doors. Shadow Weaver had taught it to her. Why couldn't she remember it now? She yanked the handle fruitlessly a couple of times.

'Glimmer what's going on?'

Catra actually sounded freaked out.

'There- there are things in here with me'

Glimmer could feel her eyes welling up. She was all alone. She was a prisoner. She didn't know if Bow and Adora were safe. Her powers had run out. She felt helpless and tiny. She couldn't even break out of a spare bedroom so how could she possibly turn the tide of the war. She'd failed Brightmoon, failed the alliance, failed her mother. She began to sob as she felt something whip past her ankles.

'Glimmer? Glimmer! Come on, tell me what's happening!'

Glimmer wasn't listening. She sunk to the floor with her hands over her ears as Catra kept calling and the creatures crawled over her.

The next morning she woke up with tiny scratches all over her body and her face pressed into the carpet. When she shakily nudged the door it swung wide easily, revealing Catra curled up in a foetal position on the floor of the other room with a troubled look on her sleeping face. She looked stubborn and younger than usual, like a rebellious child, and Glimmer forgot what she was doing for a moment and just watched her. Even unconscious she didn't look peaceful. Glimmer couldn't believe she'd slept beside the door all night. She hesitated for a second before extending her leg and nudging Catra with her toe. The mismatched eyes opened immediately and Catra sprang up. Breathing heavily she studied the nicks and marks covering Glimmer.

'Fuck me, you weren't kidding'

Glimmer bit back a scathing response with a little more ease than usual.

'We're eating with him again today, what the hell am I supposed to say?'

Catra shifted uneasily. Later that evening when Glimmer broached the subject with Horde Prime and he'd feigned total, condescending, ignorance even as she sat opposite him covered in cuts, Catra stared down at her plate looking defeated but also as though her suspicions had been confirmed about something.

'Thanks for assist', Glimmer hissed at her when they had been escorted back to their chambers.

Catra sank down on one of the couches.

'He's messing with us deliberately. He wants to throw us off by playing these mind games'

' _ Why _ ?', Glimmer asked 'why not just force us to activate the Heart or torture us for information properly. Does he want Etheria or not?'

'This is all a game to him. Look around, look how powerful he is, how many soldiers he has. I bet he's the emperor of this whole patch of galaxy. When do you think was the last time he had any real resistance? We must be a total novelty to him. No wonder he wants to drag it all out'

Glimmer gazed helplessly out the viewing bay. She couldn't even tell which of the planets in front of her is home, or if they're still near home at all.

'What do we do?'

Catra raises her head and looks at her.

'We do what you said Sparkles, we work together. If Horde Prime is anything like his little brother he'll think we're insignificant little insects, the Heart is our only card. We need to convince him that he needs it and that he needs us'

There's nothing inspirational about her tone, she sounds tired and as though she's only half-heartedly enthusiastic about staying alive. But she said 'we' and 'us' thoughtlessly as though she and Glimmer were allies, and something about that made Glimmer's resolve stiffer. If she and Catra can work together on one side who knows what other crazy miracles might occur. They could even get off this ship.

That night Catra jams a chair against the door between their rooms, and it stays open the rest of the time they're there.

  
  


*******

Glimmer should really give Adora more credit.

They're sitting at the big table in her mother's old study, going over long long lists for all the upcoming sentence reviews. The monarch of Brightmoon is required to be present at each one. Back when the laws were written there must not have been so much crime and warfare. Either that or the Brightmoon armies didn't take prisoners back then. The idea makes Glimmer shiver. 

Adora is perfect for this job because she knows so many of the prisoners and can attach stories to names and faces. Glimmer would forget them all otherwise. The Horde soldiers profiles all blend together for her, except for one.

Catra is due for her review in a week.

When Adora finally gets to her case file through all the other paperwork she pauses for a second with it in her hands. Glimmer pretends she doesn't notice and instead busies herself with a file for someone called Octavia. She waits.

'Do you think you'll be impartial at her review?'

Glimmer flushes. So Adora has figured it out then.

'I've been pretty impartial at everyone's sentencing Adora' she says evenly, 'even Entrapa's and Scorpia's'

  
  


That was true. Despite their pledge of allegiance to the rebellion in the last months of the war- and the parts they played in the Battle for Etheria, both had worn ankle bracelets and been sentenced with rebuilding efforts. Entrapta received three months, Scorpia six. At her review, Scorpia could be proven to have had a measurable change in attitude that the jury could get behind, and was released. Entrapta on the other hand, with her overly objective answers, literal viewpoint, and damning personal relationship with Hordak, did not satisfy the court, and Glimmer was forced to give her another three months.

'You weren't impartial for me' Adora mutters.

'I was completely fair' Glimmer replies, 'you didn't need to go on trial because you never saw active service with the Horde. Besides Etheria owes its existence to you, it would have been ridiculous to put you in front of a court'

Adora shrugs and hunches back over the list. Glimmer still has no idea to reply to her question, she's weirded out by the connection Adora has made between herself and Catra. Suggesting that Glimmer's relationships with the two of them were similar.

  
  
  


Adora clears her throat and Glimmer looks up at her friend. She can already see the wall that will build up between her and Adora if they don't talk about this now. When Adora and the others rescued them Glimmer's heart had nearly exploded with joy at seeing her friends again, and after the battle was won and she and Bow and Adora had tumbled into bed to sleep, she had felt peace for the first time in months. But she couldn't ride those highs forever. The tide of victory induced euphoria was going out, and it was up to Glimmer to make sure that what replaced it wouldn't be a return to the misunderstanding and hurt that had plagued their friendships in the weeks leading up to her abduction. Glimmer felt low even admitting it to herself, but her worst fear was the idea of Adora one day looking at her the same way she looked at Catra, with pain and mistrust. 

'C'mon' Glimmer says, shoving away her stack of paperwork. ‘We've been up here for hours, we're going nuts. Let's go to the kitchens and take a hot chocolate break'

Adora looks startled but she takes Glimmer's hand and the two of them disappear in a burst of glitter. 

In the split second between "here" and "there", where the world is a sparkling blur, Glimmer squeezes her friend's hand and Adora squeezes back.

Glimmer is embarrassed by how unnatural it feels to her to be in the kitchens and cellars during daylight. At night time with Catra they are the scene of contemplation and dark recollections but during the day they just look mundane. She secures hot chocolate for her and Adora and sits them down at an old table that still has a burn mark on one of it's legs from a rogue bit of runestone magic she'd done as a child. It's between meal times and the staff is absent.

Adora  _ loves _ chocolate, or anything sweet really, but she also has a puritanical streak leftover from her Horde upbringing that doesn't let her indulge in anything she likes too much. Bow has been on a mission to get Adora to allow herself to enjoy things without feeling guilty about it, and would consider her accepting whipped cream and marshmallows with her drink today as an unqualified win. She watches Glimmer over the rim of her mug as she gulps at it. The young queen musters all the diplomatic skills she's been putting into practice since the war ended and sets her own drink down after a couple of sips.

'How have things been?', she asks lightly.

'Fine, good, fine, fine. I mean I've been with you guys most of the time'

Adora is looking at her beseechingly, silently asking her to cut to the chase. She has always been a direct person, awkward in situations like this to the point of discomfort.

Taking a deep breath Glimmer decides it's best to just plough straight in.

'How….do you feel about Catra?'

She second-guesses her intuition immediately. Adora looks like she's been turned to stone by the question. Obviously there's such a thing as too direct, so Glimmer hastily adds:

'I mean, how do you feel about her living at Brightmoon specifically. I just want to make sure if that's still fine with you'

'What would you do if it wasn't?'

Ok. Not the response Glimmer had anticipated. She flounders for a second because truly she has no idea, she loves Adora, but the idea of sending Catra away makes her stomach acidic.

'I couldn't- won't- make her leave, but I'd do something to try and make you more comfortable'

'Why wouldn't you make her leave?'

Adora is asking the question like there's a lot riding on the answer. Glimmer hadn't expected this reaction. This was, after all, the same Adora who'd cradled Catra in her arms and begged her not to die, and who had vouched for her at her trial. She tries to choose her words carefully.

'Catra and I… we agreed to have each other's back. Even if that was months ago on the ship, I can't go back on that'

‘A promise’, Adora whispers.

Glimmer is brought back to a night on the ship long ago when she and Catra were still hashing stuff out.

‘Adora broke our promise!’, Catra had screamed.

She watches her friend carefully and then reaches across the table to take her hand.

‘Adora ?’

A pair of blue-grey eyes meet her gaze.

‘It wasn’t your fault, Adora’

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos, next chapter will be Adora's POV!


	3. Chapter III: Adora

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sadness he wears now deadens his face. It's nothing like his sorrow when they thought Entrapta had perished, or when they had attended Angella's memorial service a lifetime ago. Unlike those open, honest expressions of emotion, this new sadness is like something that's draining the energy out of him. Adora wonders guiltily if this is the first time he's woken up early and not been able to fall back asleep.

These days Adora sleeps deep and heavy. Unconsciousness drops on her like a weighted blanket and smothers her entirely until someone (usually Glimmer, because Bow doesn't have the heart) wakes her up the next morning. She never used to be like this, in fact like all Horde cadets she had been carefully conditioned to sleep lightly and wake up alert. There had even been random mock night-raids to test them when they were growing up. Catra had obviously been the best in their squad due to her highly sensitive ears. She could hear instructors coming a mile off, and when they were kids Adora would often receive a warning prod to wake her up. Around the time they turned eleven she told Catra to stop. She needed to be able to get up and be combat ready herself without relying on other people to do the work for her. Catra's face had gone funny for a second when she said that, but she'd shrugged and agreed with a, 'whatever'.

If a mock-raid was sprung on Adora now she would fail. In fact she’d probably sleep straight through it. Ever since the battle she has been exhausted nearly every night. George and Lance theorised that without her sword to act as a conduit, transforming into She-Ra was taking more of her energy. Perfuma was of the opinion that Adora's mind had been prepping for a war of some kind for the last nineteen years straight, first with the Horde and then the rebellion, and her tiredness was a natural reaction to having that strain suddenly removed. Scorpia thought she was just 'poofed out' after the last couple of months. Whatever the reason was, Adora slept like a baby. Except for tonight. It’s only an hour or two from dawn and she still hasn’t managed to fall unconscious.

‘It wasn’t your fault Adora’

Glimmer is sleeping right next to her, just centimetres away. In the dark her skin glows slightly. Adora tosses to her other side, biting her lip hard as she remembers her reaction to their earlier conversation. She is such a mess.

‘Adora ? _ ’ _

She whips her head up at the sound of Bow’s voice, speaking softly. Turning around and peering through the gloom she can make out the silhouette of him sitting up in bed.

‘Bow ? Everything okay ?’, she whispers back.

There’s a creaking in the bed springs.

‘I’m fine, just can’t fall back asleep, y’know?’

Yeah. Adora knows.

Glimmer shifts in between them, muttering to herself. Since the final battle she’s started sleep-talking. Sometimes it’s just a meaningless jumble of numbers and words, usually related to whatever bureaucratic work she’s been struggling through that day, but other times she’s chillingly lucid. On the rare occasions that her friend has fallen asleep before her, Adora had heard things that had made her blood run cold. 

‘Hey Adora?’

‘Yeah’

‘I don’t think I’m going to get back to sleep. Wanna go for a walk?’

  
  
  


*****

By the time they’ve slipped out of bed, found shoes, and left the castle, dawn is breaking in the east. Adora still hasn’t gotten used to the bright new star that dictates day and night, and shines strongly enough to block the moons out of sight once it’s risen. Trying to figure out the effect it might have on Etheria’s magical ecosystem is one of the main concerns of Castaspella and the sorcerers guild these days….among other things. Thinking about Mystacor sends shivers up Adora’s spine.

‘So’, she says, as they head out the main doors and down the steps into the garden, ‘why couldn’t you sleep?’

‘Ach, no big reason’, Bow replies dismissively, ‘guess I’ve just got a lot on my mind these days, with the rebuilding, and tech scavenging, and trying to rig up a better way of communicating to people off-planet and all’

‘Right. How’s that last one going now?’

They turn right and start across one of the lawns.

‘It’s pretty good actually! Took us a while to integrate our systems with the kinda stuff they’ve got going on out there though. Most of the other planets we’ve made contact with outstrip even our First One’s technology by a mile’

Adora’s glad to hear Bow sound so enthusiastic about a project. The last time she’d watched him working on a comm system had been when he’d been desperately stripping out Mara’s ship for something that would help get them linked into Horde Prime’s systems.

‘Are we still calling it “First One’s” stuff?’ she asks, as they round one of Brightmoon’s turrets,’I mean, they’re just Eternians now, right?’

Bow shrugs, ‘Dunno, I guess?’, his voice turns teasing and he elbows her playfully in the ribs, ‘that means your “just” an Eternian now too’

She laughs awkwardly at that.

‘I guess so…’

Bow picks up on her mood and squeezes her arm as they reach the back of the castle.

‘You’re thinking about that ambassador’

It’s not a question.

‘Yes’, Adora admits, ‘It seems crazy that all this time I’ve been She-Ra I’ve never really gotten any proper answers about why she exists or where she comes from, and now someone is about to show up that could have all the answers. Maybe they’d even know why I can suddenly transform without the sword’

That’s what has driven her the most crazy- not having the sword, not even needing to use the transformation phrase, just being able to will herself into She-Ra.

‘It’s really bothering you, isn’t it?’, Bow asks wonderingly, ‘I thought you’d be relieved that you didn’t need to use it anymore. I mean, it was connected to the Heart after all’

‘When I had the sword, I at least knew what She-Ra was for. Now that it’s gone I have no idea what all this energy in me wants. Or who could be using it. And it’s uncontrollable, Bow! I do it without thinking. A couple of times I’ve woken up  _ as She-Ra _ ’

‘Yeah, we’ve noticed’, Bow mutters, ‘you steal like half the blankets when that happens’

‘ _ Bow!’ _

‘Right, right!’, he puts his hands up in a placating gesture,’ hey, why don’t we sit down? You look like you could really do with talking this out’

Adora hesitates. They’ve ended up on the side of the castle where Catra’s room is, and even though she usually seems to leave Brightmoon everyday before dawn, there’s still a chance she could be in there.

Bow follows her gaze.

‘Was it because of the ambassador you couldn’t sleep, or something else?’, he asks softly.

Adora looks at the ground.

‘Glimmer and I, we were talking’

Bow waits patiently.

‘I just, I just don’t understand. There’s so much I still don’t understand about me and Catra and where we went wrong...I thought it was at Thaymor when I defected, but I’m not sure anymore. I’m not sure about anything’

‘So that’s what you and Glimmer were talking about ? Catra?’

‘She brought her up….or, I guess I did. I asked her how she would handle Catra’s trial review and then the next thing I knew she was giving me hot-chocolate with cream and telling me that it wasn’t my fault’

It’s properly morning time now, and Bow scrunches up his eyes against the daylight.

‘Um, you’ve lost me a little Adora. What are you worried about being your fault?’

Adora shifts her feet in the grass unhappily.

‘When we were kids I promised Catra that nothing bad would ever happen to us as long as we were looking out for each other’

‘And you think you broke that promise when you defected’. Bow summises.

‘Didn’t I? Even if it was for the right reason?’, Adora asks bitterly,’what business did I have making promises like that anyway?’

‘You were just a kid’, Bow protests,’you couldn’t have known how things would turn out’

‘Catra knew when we were kids! She knew not to trust the Horde, she knew that Shadow Weaver was evil, she knew we were all being manipulated. Why didn’t I? Why was I so dumb I couldn’t figure that out?’

‘Adora, stop-’

‘I was best friends with Catra for eighteen years and I understand less about her all the time. Glimmer spends three months with her in a cell and suddenly they just  _ get _ each othert’

Adora is aware that she’s starting to raise her voice.

‘Glimmer is apparently an authority on Catra now. An authority on Catra and me. She can tell me what was and wasn’t my fault, what I should or should not get to feel guilty about’

‘And...are you mad at her about that?’

‘I’m mad at me!’, Adora says in frustration,’It takes Glimmer a couple weeks to figure Catra out completely and I still can’t’

‘Adora, c’mon, let’s sit down’, Bow reaches out and tugs at her hand. 

Together they sink slowly to the ground. Adora feels like her head is buzzing.

‘Deep breath’, Bow says encouragingly, still holding her hand.

She breathes in, inhaling the scent of the grass and the flowers. In the distance she can hear birds. The new star’s light is warm on her back. She breathes out.

‘First off’, Bow says, ‘I don’t think it’s fair to say Glimmer and Catra have each other figured out. If they did then they would spend time together properly in the daytime instead of hiding about it’

‘They do it because they don’t want to freak me out’, Adora says bitterly.

Bow had been kneeling, but now he rocks back onto his haunches nervously.

‘Adora don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t think this about you’

Her eyes dart up to Bow, who looks unhappy but determined.

‘Look, I think you’re always going to be a massive part of Glimmer and Catra’s lives, and they definitely do think about you, or else Glimmer wouldn’t have started asking you about Catra. But I don’t think they’re getting drunk together at three in the morning and then barely interacting at all during the day just because of you’ 

Adora shrivels up with mortification at his words. Has she really been sounding so self-centred? She stares down grass, blinking hard. Bow crouches back towards her and takes both her hands.

‘Adora I’m not criticising you. But you kinda have this habit of assuming that if there’s something wrong it must be your fault’ 

'I know Glimmer can take care of herself, but I still promised Angella I’d look after her too!’, Adora says, ‘and now she’s talking in her sleep and sneaking off with the person who  _ got _ Angella killed in the first place to get drunk. How can I not feel guilty about that?'

Bow sighs and squeezes Adora's hands.

'Glimmer made her choices as Brightmoon's monarch to do what she thought was right for Etheria. We were at war and she got taken prisoner by the other side. It's not like it was the first time that happened. Being in danger was an occupational hazard of being in the Alliance'

Adora glances up and sees his face suddenly looks weary and old. During Prime's bombardment of Etheria there'd been direct attacks on civilian areas. Bow has eleven older brothers now. She wishes she could say something comforting but given that everything Adora learned about family growing up was from Shadow Weaver and Catra, she doesn't exactly feel qualified to help Bow mourn his sibling. No more than she knew the right way to help Glimmer with her grief over losing her mother.

'Look Adora', Bow says, 'I think the best way we can be good friends to Glimmer right now is to let her work through this her own way. Whatever happened to her and Catra up there...they obviously aren't ready to talk about it with anybody else'

His expression is still sad, something that hurts Adora viseraly because Bow should never look that way. She's seen him overjoyed, excited, frightened, angry, and determined. Loud, dynamic emotions. The sadness he wears now deadens his face. It's nothing like his sorrow when they thought Entrapta had perished, or when they had attended Angella's memorial service a lifetime ago. Unlike those open, honest expressions of emotion, this new sadness is like something that's draining the energy out of him. Adora wonders guiltily if this is the first time he's woken up early and not been able to fall back asleep. 

Bow gazes up at the sky.

'It's probably about time for breakfast', he says, 'coming?'

Adora let's him pull her to her feet, and the pair of them troop back to the main entrance. As they walk away she deliberately doesn't look at Catra's window.

**Author's Note:**

> Hoooo-boy my first attempt at fanfic. Constructive criticism is welcome.
> 
> A couple of general notes:
> 
> I'm hoping to update this fortnightly at the least and weekly at the best, but college and covid-19 might get in the way.
> 
> Adora will make an appearance next chapter
> 
> Noelle once said on a twitch stream that she thought three years had passed in the show, for this fic I'm keeping it down to one and a half because otherwise the characters are (presumably???) all around their early twenties and...I just don't buy that Noelle. Sorry, love you.
> 
> Speaking of ages, no one except Frosta has a canon one (she's twelve as far as I know) and obviously we know Entrapta is old enough for tax fraud. My personal in-show headcanons for Season One ages are:
> 
> Glimmer, Kyle: 17
> 
> Adora, Bow, Catra, Lonnie, Perfuma, Rogelio: 18
> 
> Mermista, Scorpia: 19
> 
> Sea-Hawk: 20
> 
> Entrapta: 25
> 
> So age everyone up a year.


End file.
